Fight the recession!

As our economy heads for some doom and gloom to match the weather, I have decided to curb my hedonistic ways and put a short leash on my spending.

Here's how I'm going to ride this thing out:

• Grow my own veggies. Tomatoes just went up to $8.00 a kilo. I have broccoli, cauliflower, carrots and bok choy in my garden. I'm going to see if I can turn my sun trap of a potting shed into a quasi-glasshouse, and grow some tommies and capsicum in there.
• Make my lunch every day. While not good for recession as a whole as the local businesses will find themselves $10 a day shortchanged, it's good for my wallet, and my tummy.
• Leave my EFTPOS and Visa at home. It's just an excuse to buy a magazine/can of Coke Zero/the latest Marian Keyes. (Seriously...I am dying to buy this. Anyone read it yet? On another tangent, sign up for her monthly newsletter. It's pants-wettingly funny).
• Re-create restaurant meals at home instead of going out for dinner. See: pizza made with pesto, blue cheese, mushrooms and caramelized onions on our weekend away. Was pretty good, although the yeast had gone off in 2006. Cue a base you could frisbee.
• Buy things using only notes, and put all coins into my brand new money box (a red leather elephant made in India, bought at the local Trade Aid store. It's gorgeous). I have done this before and it's amazing how quickly I'll amass $100 or so. Yes I do see the irony in spending money for a receptacle to save money in - but it was only $25.00 and it looks super cute on my coffee table.
• Shop at Pak n Slave, even though it's messy, dirty, and stacks the breadcrumbs next to the Tampax and the lightbulbs. It really is that much cheaper.

Things I am not going to scrimp on - Bazzy's cat food, because why should he suffer for my high rolling past life? Good wine - sometimes a $20 bottle of bubbly can make everything all better. Good haircuts - again - worth a million bucks.

How about the rest of you?

The year that was

Depresssion is a funny thing. It's like this black prickly cloud that hangs over you, stopping anything fun and nice getting through, instead enveloping you in a big ball of Blah.
Hence yesterday, when I thought about doing a year-end wrap up, all I could think of was, wow, this is the first Christmas that I can remember that I have been single. WHAT A SHIT YEAR.

Then the drugs must have kicked in, and suddenly I noticed a photo of Amelie on my fridge. Oh yeah that's right. A little person that I love unconditionally is now in my life, and smiles at me all the time. The relationship I have with my sister and her husband is so lovely and I have them moving 3 minutes drive away from me to look forward to.

I also cast my eye around where I was, which was In My Own Home, a home that if you had asked me what my dream home was, would have matched pretty well. Except it's not in France. But hey.

Basil came running up and brushed against my legs and I thought oh yes, I also have this precious black ball of fur who follows me everywhere and loved prancing all over the garden doing the butt wiggle every time he sees a bird. I can't imagine my home without him.

I looked at the spare room and thought in a week I'll have my Mum and Step-dad staying, who have given me so much this year, and I can finally give something back.

So while 2007 has had plenty of downs, there are also plenty of ups, and the sick thing about depression is that they tend to get lost among the downs. Sometimes I need a good kick in the pants to remember just what I do have.

It's not The drinking, it's How we're drinking

Finally the brain fog has lifted enough for me to write something.
What an insane weekend – a few years ago it would have been nothing out of the ordinary but now that I am 28! and a Homeowner! I think it’s a little bit sad.

Friday night involved a group of workmates and me heading into town for a drink on the Strand. I got into that mood where I felt like everyone wanted to watch The Amy Show, and I must have talked for oooh, 90 percent of the time, and everyone had to listen to Me and Only Me.

I got home at about 10:00 – on no dinner – and listened to my new Peter Gabriel CD (I love the oldies) and sang along to Don’t Give Up about twenty times. The cat appreciated it, and gave me 10 out of 10.

On Saturday 2 friends, Richard and Katrina, arrived from Auckland to stay the night. We spent the day walking around the Mount and shopping, but by 5pm it was all about the champagne and Red Bull. Date Man arrived and having got through a bottle between us, we headed out to a cocktail party, where I made a huge jug of 42 below Feijoa vodka, apple juice and mint leaves, best drink ever, and proceeded to kill a few more brain cells and be the loudest person at the party.

Then we headed into town, to a bar, for a couple of hours, where I have a recollection of dancing with someone’s Dad, like full on rock and roll dancing, a recollection of meeting some famous rugby guy and trying to take his picture, a recollection of ranting to a friend about how happy I was for her (having just got engaged). This is about 10 minutes recollection so god knows what I was doing the other 2 hours.

Sunday was an hilarious day of being horizontal on the couch, trying to keep down a pie (I failed at 5pm), feeling guilty, pathetic and disappointed in myself.

I still kind of feel like that, even though I can guess that everyone has had weekends like these, but I guess this is the first time I’ve seen that it’s not the best way I could live my life, and that my drinking can easily get out of control. I really have this Jekyll and Hyde personality sometimes, I can have 2 glasses of wine and be fine, but another day I can have a whole bottle and then more. And I have no control over it.
I think I shall be doing some navel-gazing over the next few weeks to see what I can do about this. My Mum will be pleased!

Recurring Dreams

After reading a link from Dooce last week at McSweeneys called Mundane Dreams I gots to thinking. Firstly, that I love McSweeneys and it makes me feel joy that there are so many awesome writers out there with my exact sense of humour. Secondly, that recurring dreams are an odd phenomenon – why do we as a group of people all have the same themes when we dream? We all experience life so differently and in so many varied environments.

Here are my top recurring dreams – both scary and happy – I should note that I am an exceptionally vivid dreamer – whole plot lines and imagery, and I dream in colour, which is apparently quite rare.

1) I’m back at school – haven’t studied for that exam!
It is the last day of term at my old boarding school and I have plans to head off to Uni. Other girls are packing their things and there are suitcases everywhere. I am desperately trying to finish a set book before sitting an exam on it. It is beginning to dawn on me that I won’t pass the exam and therefore won’t get into Uni. Eventually I give up hope and decide to wing up. I always wake up before I actually have to sit the exam.

2) I’m having arguments with my mother or someone close to me
I’m usually back at high school, living in our old house, and Mum and I are having an enormous argument so fierce it ends up with me hitting her. These dreams affect me hugely because I wake up with a guilty conscience for something that never happened. I wish these ones would stop most of all.

3) I can fly!
I’m on my way somewhere and I realise that if I push off of the ground and sort of lie on my back and kind of doggie paddle, I can fly. I don’t go too high off the ground but I do know that I am impressing everyone hugely with my flying abilities.

4) I’m back in England
For some reason I have decided to stop whatever I’m doing and go back and do another gap year in England (see here for further information). It’s usually the day before I leave and I suddenly come to my senses and go what the hell am I doing but I am stuck and have to go. I recall in my last dream going “hey….normally I have dreams about this – am I dreaming this one too? Dammit I’m not!”

5) I lose the ability to do simple things
I’m usually in a hurry and I can’t do things, like dial a phone, put my shoes on, drive a car. I also really battle to walk or run, like there are concrete blocks on my shoes.

Do these all ring a bell to you? I do have other dreams – like last night where I was picked to be Eminem’s main groupie and to go on tour with him. I don’t even like Eminem! I once asked my therapist who was a Clinical Psychologist what these dreams would mean, and I said I was worried about them as they tended to shape my mood for the day. She was very hesitant to answer as she said there’s nothing proven and she didn’t want to go all witchcraft-y. I also am not into spiritual readings of dreams i.e. if you dream your teeth fall out you’ll be coming into money!!
Does anyone know of a logical scientific explanation to recurring dreams, or can direct me to some sites?
Thanks and happy sleeping – Aims

The great waste of time that is Facebook

So, lately I have been battling an addiction. Luckily it is not one that will cause physical harm to my body. It is the latest craze of making friends on the Net that apparently (so say the Bebo nerds) was thought up by the FBI.
That's right, Facebook has been my most favourite way to waste time lately. I probably log on about 10 times a day. I have about 140 friends. I read all their stuff and look at all their photos. I have set up a school group and joined another group, and have done my invite for my housewarming on there.
It has got so bad that I now THINK in Facebook. Last night Basil was having a bath on the bed, and while trying to get a hard to reach spot on his back, he fell off. I laughed, then IMMEDIATELY thought "Amy is laughing at Basil falling off the bed". Or, when I woke up yesterday morning to find he'd pooed in the bath, I thought "Amy is grossing out at having to clean up poo before 7:30am".
Yesterday I tried to face my demons and, after checking in first thing, I said right, no more Facebook until 11am. I tell you it was the longest 2 hours of my life. I was LITERALLY counting down. Of course when I did log on, nothing exciting had happened.
What I'm worried about is when I get broadband installed at home (finally) I will be on the stupid thing 24 hours a day.
Does anyone else have this problem?

Bunnies

Went to see Miss Potter last night. I adored it. I like bunnies you see, as well as cats, and I have a habit of calling anyone I like "bunny". It was lovely to see all her pictures and it reminded me so much of childhood, all Mrs Tiggywinkle and Jemima Puddleduck. Cute!
It was also nice to see where it was set, I did my Gap Year in the Lakes District in 1997 and haven't been back since, I found it pretty boring as an 18 year old, but am sure I would appreciate it a bit more now.
Windermere was a funny place to spend a year on my own, working at a school there, first time away from home. Mum cried for 2 days before I left. I was a bit bewildered and hadn't really thought what it would be like.
11 months later I had battled bulimia, over-eating, depression and anxiety issues. I really don't think I was prepared to have all of that responsibility. I had no motivation to get out and do things, and tended to just stay at the school in the weekends, whereas all my other Gap friends were taking every opportunity to see everything they could.
Don't get me wrong, I went all over Scotland and England, and did a 6 week trip around Europe, but mostly I felt the whole time that I just wanted to get HOME. I comforted myself with tasteless UK junk food (Walkers Salt and Vinegar crisps, oh yeah) and put on 10 kilos. I have had issues with food ever since.
So while I don't really regret having gone, I do wish I could do it all over again. I often have dreams that I am back there, that I have chosen to go back there, and I'm all, what the....no way!
Anyway I would like to go back eventually, but am sure it will be a surreal experience.

An Interlude

So while we wait with baited breath for news on the house we interrupt things with a commercial.

I have started reading this book. I am not normally a preachy, spiritual, new-agey kind of person (make that never). But this book is about the power of Positive Thinking, something that, having depression, I battle with. Most of my thoughts go like this: Wow, that would be so fun to do but I'm sure that it will go wrong, or, I am in a really good space right now, what could go wrong here? And the funny thing is, the more I think about what could go wrong, what I most fear does actually come to pass.

I know this isn't news to most people but I have found it enlightening (and I'm only up to Chapter 2).

Here's an example of how things work in my mind. When I met my ex we were very happy, and I would go and see him on the farm, and we were all great. But eventually I started worrying that it wasn't going to work out, and I would stress that he didn't like me as much as I liked him yadayadayada. So my tension spilled over into our relationship....and we started arguing over stupid things. All over nothing.

Now if I had thought positively and let things be what they were, and just enjoyed the moment, it may have worked out. Not that I regret that it didn't because we were definitely not suited anyway!

I am looking forward to continuing with this book, and applying the principles to my mindset. I sound like the converted don't I! But as Mum said - It can't do any harm. I suggest you read it!

>PS

Thoughts on a common illness

So throughout my trip around South America my battle with depression and anxiety came back to bite me on the ass a couple of times.
I have had it under control pretty well lately what with good meds and some excellent therapy.
However traveling for me brings it all back, the lack of a comfort zone, the uncertainty, the lack of routine and it makes me all a bit fearful and stressed, which is hard to control still.
Dealing with someone who didn't know me very well while I was going through this really opened my eyes. I try to explain a panic attack to people to be rather like an asthma attack – certain situations will bring it on (for me, being in a crowd, feeling nauseous in a public place, turbulence etc) – and that there's nothing to be done until it passes. For those who don't know what a panic attack is like, for me I go really cold, I just want to get out of wherever I am, my heart beats really fast and your mouth goes dry. Afterwards you are utterly exhausted and just want to sleep.
I had around 3 panic attacks while we were away and spent most of the time going to all efforts to avoid more.
My traveling partner could not understand this at all. After one particularly nasty one he said he was freaked out by the whole thing and couldn't handle it. He didn't want to have to deal with it.
This really made me think. I can't help the fact that this happens to me. I will probably deal with it my entire life. I had always been very open around him about this problem. I can't really understand that this sort of thinking still goes on. I respect his honesty that he said it does freak him out and I could definitely see why. But it worries me as do I from now on have to keep it a secret from future partners? Or will other people be more understanding? It is another thing to worry about.
Your thoughts and comments would be appreciated.
Aims x