Why I Avoid Shopping When I Can.

Scene: The interior of insane high-end women’s clothing shop. Think pink, frills, ribbons, gilt, faux-boudoir furniture and Lady GaGa singing about disco sticks at half a billion decibels.

Enter: Me (30, casually dressed) my Mother (60, casually dressed).

Sales Freak 1: HELLO! WELCOME! YOU BOTH LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL!

Me: Uh, thanks! (heads over to racks on far side of room).

Sales Freak 2: OMG AREN’T THESE DRESSES AMAAAAAAAAAAZING! I JUST ADORE THAT ONE YOU’RE HOLDING! AND THAT OTHER ONE YOU HAPPENED TO GLANCE AT! YOU HAVE PERFECT CHOICE WHEN IT COMES TO CLOTHES!

Me: Wow, thanks. I’m actually looking for a 50’s style sundress to wear to my step-sister’s wedding in January.

Sales Freak 2: OMG THAT IS SO LOVELY! AND SO CLOSE! YOU’D BETTER BUY SOMETHING TODAY OTHERWISE THERE WILL BE NO DRESSES LEFT IN THE WHOLE WORLD! WHAT’S YOUR BUDGET?

Me: Five hundred.

Mum: THREE hundred.

Me: (feels like a teenager).

SF 2: OKAY WELL DO YOU LIKE THIS ONE? IT’S SIX HUNDRED! OR THIS ONE? IT’S EIGHT HUNDRED BUT OMG, IT’S A ONE OFF BOUTIQUE DESIGN HANDMADE AND TAILORED TO FIT!

Me: Uh, I’m not sure we can spend that much...

SF 2: JUST TRY THEM ON ANYWAY! SRSLY! GET AN IDEA! (manhandles us towards changing room area that is surrounded by stick-thin collagen enhanced cougars and more sales freaks).

Queen of the Sales Freaks: OMG DARLING WHAT FANTASTIC SELECTIONS YOU’VE MADE! THESE ARE SO BEAUTIFUL I HAVE ONE AT HOME AND I ADORE IT! JUST POP IN HERE AND POP YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND POP THE DRESS ON AND POP OUT TO SHOW US OKAY DARLING! LOVE IT! WOOT!

Mum: *speechless*

Sparkly sequinned cocktail style dress – nothing like a 50’s style sundress – is manoeuvred on. It doesn’t fit very well over the “girls”.

QotSF: OMG THAT DRESS LOOKS AMAAAZING! IT’S PERFECT! FOR A WEDDING? OH A FAMILY WEDDING! YOU WANT TO LOOK AMAZING BECAUSE YOU’LL BE IN SO MANY PHOTOS BEING FAMILY AND ALL!

Me: Well I’d hate to upstage....

QotSF: LET’S TUG ON IT AND POKE YOU LOTS TO TRY TO MAKE IT LOOK OKAY!

Me: Yeah, I think it makes me look fat.

QotSF: YOU’VE GOT BOOBS! I’VE GOT GREAT BIG BOOBS TOO! I’VE JUST HAD A BABY AND MY BOOBS ARE AMAZING! BUT I’VE ALSO GOT LONG LEGS AND BROAD SHOULDERS....WHICH YOU DON’T HAVE! I LOOK FABULOUS IN ALL THESE THINGS! LOOK AT MY BOOBS AND MY LONG LEGS!

Me: ........I’m going to try the other one.

Cream tunic dress that actually looks passable is donned.

Me: I don’t mind this. Mum, what do you think?

Mum: *says something but no-one can hear a thing over Britney telling us how she likes threesomes*

QotSF: THIS DRESS IS SO SPECIAL ONE OF A KIND DESIGNER HANDMADE TAILORED TO FIT!

Me: Why does the hem hang down at the back?

QotSF: THAT’S (designer’s name) SIGNATURE! ALL HER DRESSES ARE LIKE THAT! LIKE VIVIENNE WESTWOOD!

Me, thinking: WTF?

QotSF to Mum: THIS IS A DRESS THAT I THINK WOULD LOOK GREAT ON YOU AS A MOTHER OF THE BRIDE!

Mum: As I said before, it’s my step-daughter.

QotSF: DOESN’T MATTER! SAME THING! TRY THIS DRESS ON! NAVY IS SO HIP RIGHT NOW AND YOU’VE GOT GREAT LEGS AND NO BUTT!

Mum, drawing herself up to her full 5 feet 3: I don’t LIKE that dress.

QotSF: OH. WELL I’M JUST GOING TO POKE YOU AND YELL IN YOUR FACE A BIT MORE! AND TELL YOU HOW AMAZING THIS DRESS IS ABOUT FOUR HUNDRED TIMES.

Me: Mum, what do you think about this one?

Mum: I think we should go away and think about it.

QotSF: IT’LL BE GONE. GONE. JUST LIKE THAT. EVERYONE ALWAYS GETS SO MAD AT ME FOR NOT HOLDING THESE DRESSES BUT I CAN’T, BECAUSE THEY SELL THAT QUICKLY. YOU’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER ONE LIKE IT. EVER. YOUR LIFE WILL BE RUINED IF YOU DO NOT BUY THIS DRESS RIGHT NOW.

Me: Well, that’s a risk I’m willing to take. There are a couple of others we’ve seen around town.

Qotsf: WHERE? CAN I REMIND YOU THAT THIS IS A ONE OFF PIECE THAT’S HANDMADE AND TAILORED TO FIT!

Me: *names well known NZ designer*

QotSF: OH. WELL, I’M SURE I DON’T NEED TO TELL YOU THAT OUR DESIGNS ARE ONE OFF AND HANDMADE. (OTHER DESIGNER) IS JUST A FUNKY STREEET LABEL!

The other dress is SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS and a beautiful 50’s style sundress. Nail in the coffin.

(inside the changing room) Me: Mumthisplaceisscaryandineedtogetoutnow!!!

Mum: Thatwomanisthemosthorriblepersoni’veevermet! Andthezipiscrookedonthatdress!

(outside changing room) Me, smiling thinly: Well, thank you for your help.

QofSF: OKAY BYEEEEEEEEEE! (to other sales freak) THIS WOMAN IN HERE NEEDS A CAMISOLE! AND A CARDIGAN! NOW! GO! OKAY THANKS DARLING! LOVE YOU! LALA I KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO RIHANNA!

Various sales freaks: OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING IN! WE LOVE YOU!

Outside, in the rain – Me: I’m shaking. That was the most awful shopping experience of my life.

Mum: I saw a dress that I quite liked. But I purposely didn’t buy it because she was so awful.

Me: Shall we go back to Andrea Moore and buy that other beautiful dress?

Mum: Definitely.

Fin.

I won’t name names, but this awful store’s designer is Australian, and her name rhymes with SchmAllanah SchmHill.